Side note:
“The time has come,” he said, “my friend, to talk of many things…”
There are things on my mind: sex, religion, world politics, school, church, relationship dynamics.
It takes me so long just getting my thoughts formulated into something coherent enough to write down.
I don’t make much sense verbally sometimes, either.
I freaked out a little and you missed it. I was going to write an entry last Friday, or even a couple days ago, called “Breakdown in Progress, Film at 11″.
I think I’m better. It would have been too full of angst anyway. Getting older is a strange thing, as I have what we call a “young” spirit. Some of the time. I increasingly have little insights into the future of my life. Not premonitions exactly, just more of a feeling of the essence of what is to come.
I told my grandmother that since I am now complaining about how the kids mess the place up, and will I ever get it clean, I bet the minute they are gone and the house stays clean for more than 30 seconds I’ll be very lonely.
She said that sounded about right.
I could feel that feeling of an empty house. I can see my daughters walking down the aisle on the arm of their father, and Addison as a grown man. I can see my children handing me their babies (and me handing them back when they fuss too much!). I can see my husband when he becomes an old man.
Actually, that part is not too hard, he looks just like his father who is in his late 70′s…
Spring has sprung here in Canada. I could smell it, and hear the birds heralding the arrival, so I knew it to be true. My narcissus came up in a new spot. Remember when we moved the driveway? (Darn, I just looked back and realized that I *didn’t* write about it…not that I can find.)
Like spring, I seem to be aching to be reborn, reinvented. Cut away the dead growth and let the new shoots come out. I can let go of some things, knowing I have done what I could with what I had. Note I didn’t say my best… I am ready and eager to head off in new directions.
Funny how you can sit here and write things that are vastly different than what you thought they would be, earlier in the day.
We’re working on taxes now. Personal taxes of course, but the company taxes, the craft store and Ron’s various enterprises, are coming due soon. I found some major errors that I’d told myself I’d fix “later”. Well, later arrived. I had to un-deposit a year and a half of deposits, then re-deposit them correctly.
I know I owe some of you e-mail. Maybe I’ll answer after I’m done this. It’s not personal, I haven’t answered much e-mail lately at all. I haven’t written any comments to journals I read either, even though it is on my mind.
And yes, I am exercising.. sort of. I go for a walk almost every day, with the “before I go on-line” plan going south a long time ago. I go all the way down the driveway, then down the road to the far end of our property where the road turns, and come back. It’s about 500 meters one way. I’m guessing. I haven’t timed myself, but I can go at a brisker pace than before, so yay me.
Must be some weird stuff going on with that whole aging/PMS/spring thing…. I keep getting the same sorts of e-mail from potential customers as well, the kind that drives me crazy because of its stupidity. One recent one read: “Can you send me a catalogue for two dollars?”. That was it. No address or nothing. I feel like writing back, sure buddy, but I need your address and the actual $2 first!
Oi.
Actually my whole web business effort seems to be more and more effort for the same amount of business. Do you know once I read an article where some guy said he gets about one customer from every hundred e-mails? That sounds about right to me. My records show me that while my business has been about the same last year, mail orders have gone way up, but local traffic has gone way down. I had a lady come in last week looking for some items for a wedding. She started out with “I have been all over town , do you have this?”. Gee, yes I did. I wanted to ask her maybe she should have stopped in earlier, since she had to drive right past my place to get to town!
I’m also beginning to think that I have a latent fear of being successful. I mean, I got this far without knowing what I was doing. But now I know what I don’t know, ya know? Some days the pressure does get to me, so I wonder what I’d do if I was to the point where I had rent and payroll to meet every month. Or I’d be filling an order and get real upset if I didn’t have every single thing.
Oh, Mom’s boyfriend sent me a photo of the big event.
(photo not linked)
Oh my Lord, I look just like my parents.
Ron and the girls took me shopping on my birthday. Sarah picked me out a pizza cutter (I knew she would) and Meaghan went in on it with her, mostly because she couldn’t think of anything. Addison seconded that when he got home. At least its a really good one, ergonomically correct and all. Plus we seem to eat a *lot* of pizza and it was on my “to buy” list. (hmm.. must think of relationship between pizza and love handles…)
We also went to the local Christian book store to present shop. I picked out “Every Woman in the Bible”, mostly because I couldn’t find “Bad Women of the Bible”, which was my first choice. But this one covers them too, but not with a catchy title. Ron picked out a concordance for an early b-day present for himself, and we also got a Veggie Tales video, well, for everybody. 
And we missed the bookmobile this week, so I guess you’re all caught up.
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