I am in shock. Total shock.
Are you shocked? I certainly am.
If you’ve been following along (and I know you have), you know how there’s been a general feeling of malaise or something, a restlessness in our spirits. I think I even mentioned something about feeling how there was some thing looming on the horizon for us, a big change.
Maybe it was hitting thirty, or maybe it was knowing the kids were a lot older and we can just pick up and go somewhere, and they’re old enough to help out with all the work around here, maybe it was a desire to help make the world a better place. We’ve been talking about moving, talking about working the mission field as labor or support staff, not preachers.
Maybe this answer I posted on Xeney’s forum will give a little insight. The questions was “Are you doing the wrong thing?”
“I don’t know if it’s the *wrong* thing, but it definitely wasn’t on my schedule.
I managed to get away with sleeping through my 12th grade math class, it wasn’t hard at all. English I hated. Art was taught by, gosh, a real artist who actually took the time to teach real art to those that were interested and had talent. I may have ended up being a graphic artist of some kind. I think that would have made me happy, career wise. I can still hear my mother saying “Art doesn’t pay, dear. Study business, you can always get a job as a secretary.”
But I drifted. That’s another way of saying “pregnant at 17″. For some reason, the year after that, I enrolled in a computer programming course, stuck my kid in daycare and was generally unhappy. But I was trying to forge a new life.
If you’re paying attention, the side of the brain that gives you a flair for design and art and all that stuff, is completely opposite to the side of the brain needed for efficient computer programming. I sucked big time. It helped that part way through the year, I just didn’t care anymore. I was intending on quitting right after Christmas.
I hate to say this all pivots on a man, but he just made things crystal clear. So I married him, had two more kids, moved far away from family, did the housewife thing, and now run my own business, a craft store. You could say it all turned out in the end, but after I recently turned 30, I have this niggling feeling that my true talents are wasted. If only I could figure out what those talents now are…
I also wanted to be a coroner, but the thought of all that medical school makes me shiver.”
Then someone wrote to me and told me that I was doing a fabulous job as a parent and I should be comforted in that (or words to that effect). I am, being a parent is great, I can’t think of life *without* my kids, but still, being a Mom is not the whole of my existence. I want to be a better Mom, a better wife, a better person. However good at something I am now, I think I can be better, do better. I want to find my purpose in life and really excel at it, enjoying it immensely as I do so.
So after all this soul-searching, all the waiting for an opportunity to knock on my door, the baited breath for the future, the newness on the horizon…
Imagine our utter shock when we figured out that… I’m pregnant.