One Mother of a Blog » I wish I said that

ear wig

mam — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 21:29:42 +0000

DH and I listen to the same radio station, me in the kitchen, he down in his work shop. I was dancing to the tunes in the kitchen while making supper, when DH came up the stairs with a puzzled look on his face.


DH: "What's that song about?"
ME: "You sexy thing?.......I believe in miracles, you sexy thing"
DH:  "Oh.......................I thought he was singing I believe in Malcolm, you sexy thing".
Later he admitted the song never made a lot of sense to him. Life is never boring with DH.



Maxine at Tim Horton’s
mam — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 23:01:44 +0000
I was in Timmy’s recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.

The music was really,  really loud, so I timed my fart with  the beat of the music.
After a couple of  songs, I started to feel better. I finished my  coffee,

   and noticed that everybody was staring  at me….
   Then I suddenly remembered that  I was listening to my iPod. 
         …and how was your day?
Another good one compliments of my old buddy Tim



With people and penquins
mam — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 23:44:37 +0000
Cold weather brings out the worse.






What can I say?
mam — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 18:52:18 +0000




Paraprosdokian- now that is a good scrabble word
mam — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 20:59:01 +0000
According to Wikipedia paraprosdokian (from Greek “παρα-”, meaning “beyond” and “προσδοκία”, meaning “expectation”) is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or  unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or  reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or  dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.
Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis.

Such as:
Never argue with an idiot.  He’ll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 
The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it’s still on the list. 
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong. 
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish. 
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 
Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they’re sexy. 
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 
You don’t need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again. 
The voices in my head may be fake, but they have good ideas! 
Hospitality is making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were. 
I scream the same way whether I’m about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed touches my foot. 
Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go. 
There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away. 
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

 




October
mam — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 22:46:18 +0000
“O hushed October morning mild,

Thy leaves have ripened to the fall;

Tomorrow’s wind, if it be wild,

Should waste them all.

The crows above the forest call;

Tomorrow they may form and go.

O hushed October morning mild,

Begin the hours of this day slow.

Make the day seem to us less brief.
Hearts not averse to being beguiled,

Beguile us in the way you know.

Release one leaf at break of day;

At noon release another leaf;

One from our trees, one far away.”

-   Robert Frost, October



 

Photo by my very talented daughter Andrea.





How do you measure success?
mam — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 22:10:20 +0000
How do you measure success?
To laugh often, and much; to win the respect  of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the  appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;  to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a  bit better, whether by a healthy child, a redeemed social condition, or a  job well done; to know even one other life has breathed because you  lived this is to have succeeded.
Ralph Waldo Emerson



Politically correct
mam — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 22:51:12 +0000
The provincial election is less than 3 weeks away.   The highways and by-ways are strewn with posters sprouting  pictures of the candidates. While walking past the posters this evening, my DH muttered, “You know.  Some of them would get more … Continue reading →


September?
mam — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 22:18:48 +0000
The breezes taste

Of apple peel.

The air is full

Of smells to feel-

Ripe fruit, old footballs,

Burning brush,

New books, erasers,

Chalk, and such.

The bee, his hive,

Well-honeyed hum,

And Mother cuts

Chrysanthemums.

Like plates washed clean

With suds, the days

Are polished with

A morning haze.”

-   John Updike, September

Tonight’s low will be 22 degrees celsius.  With day time highs of 32 before you factor in the humidity, it’s seems more like July then September.  This is day two of a projected 5 day heat wave, then on Saturday we can expect a hurricane by the name of Earl.  Doesn’t get much more exciting.





mam — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 10:01:36 +0000
I’m on holidays until next Wednesday.  Life is becoming very busy, more about that later, when I know all the facts.   So to keep you amused (and make my blogging easier) here’s a few sarcastic retorts.  If only I could remember these words when I need them.
Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.” William Dean Howells
“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” Ashleigh Brilliant
“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” Jack E. Leonard
“You’re a good example of why some animals eat their young.” Jim Samuels
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing  trivial.” Irvin S. Cobb
“If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?” Charles Pierce
“Pushing forty? She’s hanging on for dear life.” Ivy Compton-Burnett
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I  approved of it.” Mark Twain
“I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.”

Groucho Marx
“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.” Stephen Bishop
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with  great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow
“Remember men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honor; which is  probably more than she ever did.”

Groucho Marx
“He hasn’t an enemy in the world – but all his friends hate him.” Eddie Cantor
“I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.”Steven Pearl
“Fine words! I wonder where you stole them.” Jonathan Swift
“You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn’t match the rest of  you.” Norm Papernick
“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.”

George Bernard Shaw
“There goes the famous good time that was had by all.” Bette Davis
Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.”"Tobias George Smolett
“Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.”Mark Twain
“Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others.” Kin Hubbard
“That woman speaks eight languages and can’t say “no” in any of them.” Dorothy Parker
“She’s so pure, Moses couldn’t even part her knees.” Joan Rivers
“Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid.”

Heinrich Heine